I, like so many people out there who potentially have everything sorted out in life, and are looking for a new problem to solve, delved into the world of questions needlessly, thinking that maybe if I created and then answered those questions, I'll find salvation.
That worked out well!
Anyhoo,
So, just like so many out there who are trying to figure themselves out, I too am one of those, despite coming across as self-aware.
Now, what usually happens when we try to figure ourselves out, is that we think of everything as a do-or-die situation; so if we fail to meet certain expectations we have from ourselves, we're already a big fuckin' failure! Is there a need for such polarity? Not really, but then again, immediately jumping to conclusions is what makes us humans, I mean, huge & fragile egos, am I right?
I looked around to see what I could get inspired by or what I could hold onto in the search of 'Maybe this can help me figure out who I am' and boy how I failed here. I constantly looked up at people I desired to be with, the things I desired to have & use, the things I desired to talk about, the places I desired to be at & enjoy their life. All in all, a kid who looked at people who (sometimes, showed as if they) had more than what he did, and I thought I'd never get to be that cool or that these people would never accept me because I don't do/have the kind of things they do. I was (and still am) wrong, but the self-fulfilling prophecy that is this insecurity and comparison, it got to me and how bad.
To this day, I still look at these same people and still wonder if today I approached them, after all that I have achieved, will I be accepted in their group? Will they call me one of their own if they saw that I too had what it required to be a part of their group?
Maybe it's for the best that I go (and have gone) my separate way because the way they ended up in the future (as I found out with my reality check), things were just as bad for them as they were for me, it's just that they were too concerned of their image and never got to develop the meaningful connections I did and I was happy to know that despite not being the cool kid or the impressive kid, I still managed to make a good deal out of my life.
Yet, I still wonder at times, could it be possible for them to be jealous of me for the same reasons that I was/am jealous of them?
